Imagine you're watching someone on a treadmill, and to your surprise you find yourself yelling out to this person:
"Why bother? You're never going to look the way you want to anyway... even if you do lose weight, you're just going to gain it back again. Look how long it's taking to see results!"
How do you think the person on the treadmill feels in hearing your negative comments? How would you feel if it was you receiving that kind of criticism? Do you think your workout would be as effective as it could be? Probably not...
The dynamic I'm describing here is one that you are probably more familiar with than you think... where you are the one on the treadmill. Yet, you are not being criticized by someone else watching and yelling things at you. Instead, the criticism is originating from within you, from the limiting beliefs you've developed about yourself, over the years, probably unbeknownst to you.
Whether you're trying to lose weight, tone up, or just get into better shape, you may be surprised at some of the limiting and self-judgmental beliefs you have that are keeping you from reaching your goals.
Here are some questions for your consideration:
~ What are some goals you've wanted to accomplish, that you haven't been able to make happen yet? or, where have you been feeling "stuck?" (this applies to your body and body image, and to just about everything else)
~ What do you think some of your underlying, limiting beliefs could be that are holding you back from moving forward?
~ What's your next best step?
Much Love,
Niki
Saturday, November 24, 2007
Friday, November 23, 2007
Aging gracefully
Check out the latest Q & A off the Love The Way You Look website…
Question:
Dear Niki,
I am 57 years old. Every time I look in the mirror and see this woman with glasses staring back at me, I reject her. Where is my beautiful, youthful self? How can I reclaim her? I see sagging knees in place of firm, muscular legs. I just don't love my aging body. I see my mother, not myself. What can I do to be more accepting of this time in my life?
I feel really stuck silently. I wouldn't tell anyone that this all matters to me, but it really does. I long to grow old gracefully. To be able to have natural, completely gray hair instead of coloring it. I feel trapped and just don't know how to begin viewing the real me with acceptance and love.
When I was younger, being beautiful was a significant aspect of my identity. Losing this gift has been very hard. Intellectually, I understand that all people go through this process. Emotionally, it is more difficult for me than I care to openly admit.
Any advice?
Eleni
Answer:
Dear Eleni,
As I read your e-mail, I felt my heart opening to your words. I could feel the sadness, the self-judgment, the disappointment, the resistance, and the silent feeling of being helplessly stuck. I also sense emotional self-preservation, as you keep your feelings to yourself, and this has most likely served you until now, because it often feels safer not to acknowledge uncomfortable feelings, especially in front of others. Yet, in order to move toward what you really long for- growing old "gracefully" and viewing the real you with love and acceptance- you may have to allow a degree of vulnerability.
Dealing with your feelings...
As you are experiencing, sometimes it takes a little longer for our emotions to catch up with what we intellectually know. Your intellect and your emotional self are like running partners, jogging through life. You are dear friends, even though you don't see eye to eye at times, and when one falls behind, the other waits up. Are you willing to find compassion within your heart as you "wait" for the emotional part of you that has fallen behind? Can you reassure yourself that, even though it doesn't feel good, it's okay to feel upset about the changes with your body? Your emotional self will catch up, and will do so even faster if you look lovingly at it without judgment, but with an encouraging smile.
Is there anyone in your life that you might feel comfortable confiding in? Finding someone to talk to will help you begin to release some of the trapped feeling you mentioned. Give yourself the gift of allowing yourself to be supported by people who love you... chances are you know someone who is going through something similar, and while you are getting support, you might be able to be a support to others, which I think can also be an integral part in any healing process.
Looking at the beliefs behind your feelings...
From my experience and observation, our feelings are largely caused by our underlying beliefs about things. Our beliefs generally determine what thoughts we think, and what we choose to say and do. Based on the thoughts you've written in your e-mail, it seems as though these are some of the beliefs you have, that are causing you unhappy feelings:
"Being beautiful looks a certain way."
"Beauty is youthful."
"I am no longer beautiful because I am no longer youthful."
"I don't know how to feel beautiful again."
"My aging body is unattractive."
"I can't control what's happening to my body, I'm stuck and trapped."
"I have to hide my feelings from people."
"I am not growing old gracefully."
"I've lost my gift that has given me worth and self-definition."
Maybe take some time adding to this list, or taking away anything you feel doesn't apply to you. Getting really clear on what your underlying beliefs are will help you to change them. When all the cards are on the table, you know what you're working with.
The beliefs I've listed here don't feel so good. Are you open to shifting some of these beliefs into new and empowering ones that make you feel good? For example, "I don't know how to feel beautiful again" can be turned into, "I'm learning how to feel beautiful as my body changes, and I am patient with myself during this process." Write a list of new beliefs that feel really good, and believable to you, and remind yourself of them every day, continuing to have compassion for your emotional self while it catches up with your intellect.
Redefining your sense of beauty...
You've said that when you were younger, being beautiful was a significant part of your identity. Changes in identity can be so difficult to make, consciously, never mind a change that is occurring beyond your control. The power you do have is in moving with the changes...
Feeling beautiful, attractive, sensual and sexy doesn't stop because you reach a certain age. Wanting affection and recognition doesn't stop either, but I can see how easy it is to put those feelings away, when the large part of society says you now have a different role to play, and designates "attractive" to the wrinkle-free youth.
Beauty, sexiness, attraction, vitality, sensuality, feeling youthful, etc... these are not dependent on your physical appearance... hold on to these as qualities of yourself that create good feelings within you, and let yourself feel them.
Your body is doing what it naturally does over time. It doesn't know that it's any less beautiful. It only is "less beautiful" if you think it is. This is your chance to completely redefine beauty, for yourself, and for other aging women. What will you decide to see as beautiful? Start with aspects of your being, like "loving" and "humorous." Then move to different aspects of your physical self, such as your face and your smile. Begin to see the changes you've disliked in a new way... as the story of your life in its glorious process of ever-becoming even more beautiful.
As I like to say, our beauty is a constant, it's the way we feel about ourselves that varies. Give yourself permission to Feel Beautiful. You can start by letting your hair be its gorgeous, natural gray. You put the shine in it.
with much love,
Niki
Question:
Dear Niki,
I am 57 years old. Every time I look in the mirror and see this woman with glasses staring back at me, I reject her. Where is my beautiful, youthful self? How can I reclaim her? I see sagging knees in place of firm, muscular legs. I just don't love my aging body. I see my mother, not myself. What can I do to be more accepting of this time in my life?
I feel really stuck silently. I wouldn't tell anyone that this all matters to me, but it really does. I long to grow old gracefully. To be able to have natural, completely gray hair instead of coloring it. I feel trapped and just don't know how to begin viewing the real me with acceptance and love.
When I was younger, being beautiful was a significant aspect of my identity. Losing this gift has been very hard. Intellectually, I understand that all people go through this process. Emotionally, it is more difficult for me than I care to openly admit.
Any advice?
Eleni
Answer:
Dear Eleni,
As I read your e-mail, I felt my heart opening to your words. I could feel the sadness, the self-judgment, the disappointment, the resistance, and the silent feeling of being helplessly stuck. I also sense emotional self-preservation, as you keep your feelings to yourself, and this has most likely served you until now, because it often feels safer not to acknowledge uncomfortable feelings, especially in front of others. Yet, in order to move toward what you really long for- growing old "gracefully" and viewing the real you with love and acceptance- you may have to allow a degree of vulnerability.
Dealing with your feelings...
As you are experiencing, sometimes it takes a little longer for our emotions to catch up with what we intellectually know. Your intellect and your emotional self are like running partners, jogging through life. You are dear friends, even though you don't see eye to eye at times, and when one falls behind, the other waits up. Are you willing to find compassion within your heart as you "wait" for the emotional part of you that has fallen behind? Can you reassure yourself that, even though it doesn't feel good, it's okay to feel upset about the changes with your body? Your emotional self will catch up, and will do so even faster if you look lovingly at it without judgment, but with an encouraging smile.
Is there anyone in your life that you might feel comfortable confiding in? Finding someone to talk to will help you begin to release some of the trapped feeling you mentioned. Give yourself the gift of allowing yourself to be supported by people who love you... chances are you know someone who is going through something similar, and while you are getting support, you might be able to be a support to others, which I think can also be an integral part in any healing process.
Looking at the beliefs behind your feelings...
From my experience and observation, our feelings are largely caused by our underlying beliefs about things. Our beliefs generally determine what thoughts we think, and what we choose to say and do. Based on the thoughts you've written in your e-mail, it seems as though these are some of the beliefs you have, that are causing you unhappy feelings:
"Being beautiful looks a certain way."
"Beauty is youthful."
"I am no longer beautiful because I am no longer youthful."
"I don't know how to feel beautiful again."
"My aging body is unattractive."
"I can't control what's happening to my body, I'm stuck and trapped."
"I have to hide my feelings from people."
"I am not growing old gracefully."
"I've lost my gift that has given me worth and self-definition."
Maybe take some time adding to this list, or taking away anything you feel doesn't apply to you. Getting really clear on what your underlying beliefs are will help you to change them. When all the cards are on the table, you know what you're working with.
The beliefs I've listed here don't feel so good. Are you open to shifting some of these beliefs into new and empowering ones that make you feel good? For example, "I don't know how to feel beautiful again" can be turned into, "I'm learning how to feel beautiful as my body changes, and I am patient with myself during this process." Write a list of new beliefs that feel really good, and believable to you, and remind yourself of them every day, continuing to have compassion for your emotional self while it catches up with your intellect.
Redefining your sense of beauty...
You've said that when you were younger, being beautiful was a significant part of your identity. Changes in identity can be so difficult to make, consciously, never mind a change that is occurring beyond your control. The power you do have is in moving with the changes...
Feeling beautiful, attractive, sensual and sexy doesn't stop because you reach a certain age. Wanting affection and recognition doesn't stop either, but I can see how easy it is to put those feelings away, when the large part of society says you now have a different role to play, and designates "attractive" to the wrinkle-free youth.
Beauty, sexiness, attraction, vitality, sensuality, feeling youthful, etc... these are not dependent on your physical appearance... hold on to these as qualities of yourself that create good feelings within you, and let yourself feel them.
Your body is doing what it naturally does over time. It doesn't know that it's any less beautiful. It only is "less beautiful" if you think it is. This is your chance to completely redefine beauty, for yourself, and for other aging women. What will you decide to see as beautiful? Start with aspects of your being, like "loving" and "humorous." Then move to different aspects of your physical self, such as your face and your smile. Begin to see the changes you've disliked in a new way... as the story of your life in its glorious process of ever-becoming even more beautiful.
As I like to say, our beauty is a constant, it's the way we feel about ourselves that varies. Give yourself permission to Feel Beautiful. You can start by letting your hair be its gorgeous, natural gray. You put the shine in it.
with much love,
Niki
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